chasing

today was an off day. a really off day.

I was planning on getting up at 6 and getting my run in before work at 8. I somehow failed to set my alarm, or wake up to it (this is a bit unclear) and Mom ended up waking me up at 7:25. I barely had time to shower and eat before leaving for work, let alone fit in a three miler. I had already made plans for after work, and to make dinner for the family tonight, so any hopes of a run would have to be after dinner. In addition to starting off my day way later than expected, I had a horrible day at work, adjusting to a whole year of changes since I was last there, so much so that I don't even feel like I'm doing anything productive, which annoys the shit out of me.

As for running, on a whim, I invited my sister to run with me, warning her that I don't run fast. She agreed to join, and after dinner we headed out. From the first steps out of the driveway, she was one pace ahead of me. As she took off up the first hill, I realized that this was very representative of our lives; me, chasing after my older sister. There was seldom a time when I wasn't considered, "Kayla's little sister," and I was constantly reminded of her significant accomplishments, terrific work ethic, and shining personality. In her defense, these things are all very true, and I do admire her, but there were days when I was ready to be Nicole, and thought of as just that, instead of being constantly reminded of my sister's achievements.

Running after her today was obviously motivation to continue running, as to not fall behind, and it was very much the same way through school, I was afraid of falling behind, and not being able to be myself in her straight-A shadow. There was one point in our run where she waited for me, and I presented her with two options, to run with me, or to not run with me, but to stop running a few paces ahead. She choose, in that moment, to run with me.

I wondered if there was never a point in my life where I would have able to present, like I did to my sister, but to my teachers, my coaches, or my parents, that they had two options, to think of me as my own person, or to not think of me at all? I don't really know what the second option would have been, but I never had a moment, where I told anyone how I felt, about the shadow that she created over me, but I do know exactly how they would have reacted.

They would have denied it.

I'm sure my sister will deny it now too, and deny the fact that even though she said she was going to run with me, she still was able to keep her feet a few paces ahead of mine. I had to remind her, that on the last hill she wasn't allowed to leave me behind.

That's how I know she's a good sister though. She didn't leave me behind. She ran with me, up the last hill. And she even let me sprint to the driveway, into the house, and finish first. That's how I know she's a fabulous sister.